“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal, and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”
— Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Anyone who has experienced grief knows how true it is that you will grieve forever. There is a scar you will carry along with you as you navigate life ‘after loss’ and see things through a different lens. For some time, the sun may not seem as bright, laughter may be hard to find, and nights may seem more lonely.
Sometimes, even when you do experience a grief so deep, it can be hard to know what to say to someone when they inevitably go through their own grief. Or, how that person chooses to grieve may look different than yours. We want to offer some guidance on what you can say and how you can show up for someone in all different aspects of grief.
Often times people don’t know what they need when grieving because it feels as if nothing could possibly help. Some people may want to grieve in privacy or do not want to feel as if they have to “host” people to get support. Offering ways to show up for someone without pressure is so important. Or even dropping things at the doorstep without the expectation of greeting face to face.
“If it’s ok, I would like to drop off dinner on Tuesday.”
“This has to be so hard. Do you want to get coffee? We can talk or not talk. I just want to be there for you.”
“Have you had a meal today? I’m in the neighborhood and can grab your favorite soup.”
”I have dropped some groceries at your doorstep. I love you and I am here for you.”
Dropping off a meal, sending a care package, or even a card is a great way to remind someone that you are thinking of them.
When it comes to what to say, our instincts are often to try to make everything better and say statements of positivity that we assume are comforting such as “everything happens for a reason.” But, unless you have navigated grief before, you may not realize that those statements can be upsetting.
Don’t be afraid to acknowledge reality and sit with the person in their hard feelings. It can be validating to address just how awful the reality they are facing is—even if you cannot personally relate to it.
“I’m here even though I can’t make it better.”
“I’m here even though I don’t know exactly what to say or what you are going through.”
“You don’t have to talk. I will just sit with you in this hard.”
“You are allowed to feel exactly as you are because this is your experience and your loss.”
“I have no words… this just sucks.”
It is always nice to offer a memory you will hold of the person or a characteristic that you admired about them. Offering words to help the individual you love to remember that their legacy will live on and ensuring that they will never be forgotten.
“They were so loved and my life was better because they were in it.”
“You can talk to me about them whenever you want. I would love to listen.”
“We will remember them and speak of them often.”
Remember, each person's grieving experience is unique and so should our responses. Learning how to support people in their grief may feel uncomfortable but it can make a world of a difference for your loved ones.
We are here to help you get better in your response to grief. You can always contact us at compassionpackedgifts@gmail.com for insight, guidance and support for how to support your loved ones when they are navigating loss.
In our next blog, we will be talking about how to support caregivers— from disability + medical parents, to caring for an ill loved one, to walking the path of hospice care. It’s time to lean into the hard so we can show up for each other well.
XO,
Katelyn & Kelly